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A Foreword
I usually seem pretty happy, and most of the time I am. For a while, I guess for about a year, I had been feeling kind of down. "Everything's Peachy" relates some details from this period, and also has a happy ending, I think. I am happy now anyway. "Dark Specter" is an excerpt from one of my rants, written on my fifth day of Paxil, before it started to work. It's probably the best single paragraph of my last 5000 words or so. Besides, reprinting old material didn't seem too fair, so I chose that piece. I lost interest in "Religion" after I got done bashing the resurgence of Creationism and realized not a whole lot bothers me. Finally, "The Age of Vampires" tells how I have toyed with the idea of a vampire-themed book or computer game. I've double-checked the margins this time, just to be sure.
Everything's Peachy
Looking back, I believe I've been a little down ever since I moved to Texas. I don't believe it's that Texas is such a bad place, it just wasn't what I was used to, what I wanted. I think I'll discuss how it was when I moved, how it's been lately, and how it is right now.
During the months proceeding my move, I thought very little about it. I think my departure bothered my friends (and one special lady) more than it bothered me. I can't explain why I was feeling numb or whatever, but my friends' disappointment testifies to my friendliness and like-ability. These came in handy when I began making friends in Dallas. Homework wasn't bad, I hung out with some people, life was pretty ok, but I didn't make any real close friends. I was an outsider to some extent, forever separated by years of my unique history in Missouri and the collective history and experience of Dallas' youth. I still have some catching up to do, but I've had some experiences here as well.
Freshman year started out ok. I knew people from the year before, and football gave me something to do. The novelty soon gave way to a toilsome and monotonous existence, which, about a year ago, really started getting to me. I began to hate school, hate football, and have a sense of some pent-up rage, ready to snap sometime. I didn't snap, but my dissatisfaction drove me to enter the science magnet program at Richardson High School. I think that was back in February, when, with football season over I was left with little reward for my efforts at the hands of a determined coaching staff. I didn't want to go through all that again next year, nor did I really want to explain to people why I wasn't going to play football, I decided to leave Lake Highlands the following year.
I kind of mellowed out later in the school year, and by the end of it, I was regretting leaving my friends and going to a new school. Once more, friends I knew were sad to see me go, and I was sad as well. By the start of school, I was apprehensive. Once again would I be an outsider, knowing only a few people at the school while many others grew up together. I quickly made friends and acquaintances; this time I knew the types of people I could get along with. Quickly, any optimism I had about the school year gave way to the harsh reality of high school: classes were boring, homework was long, and I had few fun activities. From the first day, I sought a relationship that would develop more quickly and deeply than mere camaraderie with the guys. I soon found Erin Trickett; a nice girl and Freshman Center alum like myself (although I never knew her there). For a day, I was almost ecstatic, but the high quickly faded as I realized that Erin and I wanted different things in a relationship. My only other real girlfriend kissed me pretty early on in the relationship and we spent some time together outside of school before our relationship turned clandestine. I realize it probably wasn't a good thing, but it was fun while it lasted. Erin wanted a slow moving, old-fashioned relationship, and I, I wanted something more. When I was with her, holding hands at the Arboretum, or just talking before school, I was happy, but, as I said before, the high quickly faded. I had a few miserable nights thinking of my situation, and I decided to tough it out and enjoy the time that we had.
I can only say that it was exceedingly tough. Try as I might, I just could not feel ok. Any time that my mind was not engaged, I thought of everything and nothing in particular. It was frustration or something similar, maybe deeper, I'm not sure. It was like a dark specter haunting my thoughts from the time I woke up, to the time my mind finally shut off at night. It got worse and worse until about three weeks ago. I believe it took me until 2:00 am to get to sleep. I tried lying in bed, I turned my fan on, turned the radio on, but neither the BBC nor music helped. I paced around the house around one o'clock that morning, lying on the couch where it was cooler. I lay on my beanbag, which was even cooler than the couch. I may have kicked it once, I don't remember for sure. My emotions seemed to range from rage, to frustration, and sadness. The world is an unreal sight before dawn when the sun has yet to rise but all things are illuminated in pale light. I stood outside wearing a pair of shorts and a blanket around my shoulders, feeling the icy cold seep into my feet. A person's metabolisms slow down when they sleep, and I slowly made my way down to the sidewalk in the chilly night, trying to cool off. I felt as if I was not myself, no longer in control of my thoughts or emotions, and I wasn't. By the time I got to my neighbor's front walk, I turned back, not because of cold or pain, but because I had all I needed. As I lay down that last time, I slept finally.
Two other nights that week, Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, I had what I can only describe as psychotic episodes. I think that on Tuesday I made my dad promise to get me a donut if I had a good day on Wednesday. Even at the time, I knew it was rather absurd, linking food and happiness, but I needed a motivation. For the life of me, I just could not stay positive. Having the promise of a donut helped, and I stayed fairly happy until later that night. Finally, on Thursday I say my doctor and got some Paxil. You might say Paxil runs in the family. My dad, his siblings and mother are or were on Paxil once.
After two weeks of a shaky mild temperament with only one relapse, I think I'm better now. The course on most antidepressants is two weeks, but you notice the drowsiness immediately. I started Paxil that Friday before the break, and this next Friday will mark the three-week anniversary. It was nice to get some sleep over the four-day weekend, which I spent in Austin and San Antonio. Apart from one night since then, I have felt at peace with the world, as I always tried, but could never accomplish. Finally the haunting ended; the rational side won over the dark specter and I'm at peace.
The Dark Specter
I rather think that if I had a car, I could do more stuff. Of course I never tell my parents about this stuff, but chicks dig older guys, and if I have to rely on my parents for rides, I'll never get anywhere. Luckily my birthday is in a month, but I won't get a car. Boo hoo for Steve. Despite the consequences of sex, abstinence, rather forced abstinence is tearing me up. I was in a kicking walls and breaking stuff mood, but that quickly gave way to too damn tired to kick stuff. It's not like sex would "fix" my life; it isn't really broken. I think it'd set some brain chemical right, and I've got most other things in life, I just strive to have the few remaining things. Patience is for losers. And it's not like I only want a physical relationship with girls; I just have none and want one. I must try harder than I should, so when I fail, maybe there will be something there at least, but there is nothing. One thing is there, and it saps all my frustration for a few brief moments so that nothing I want to say gets said, it's contentment almost, but it fades, and it leaves a hole, bigger that there was before. I would be surprised if parents wanted their kids to have sex as teenagers, but they are god damn it. Pay some fucking attention!!! Nothing you can say or do will stop them. In the end, this is probably bad. They'll do anything to get away from you, stupid things. They'll go to parties and no doubt due to your domineering they will drink or smoke or something. Teach them responsibility so that they can make their own decisions. If they are capable, they will survive. If they are not capable, fuck `em. You should have been better parents in their formative years. Know what must be done, not just what is easy, or the way you were taught. Know your child, for I cannot. Kids, be careful, really. Sex can be great, or it can really fuck you up. Abstinence is a bunch of bull crap, but sleeping around unprotected with many guys or girls isn't too smart. Find your own way through all this, think about stuff, but in the end, it's your way. What is right for you is just that, the right thing for you. Let me do what is right for me.
Religion
I'm a very tolerant person. Nowadays, the only people that bother me are the ones that get in my way; I soon forget about those people, and realize that I too probably inconvenience others as well. One thing that kind of bothers me is religion. I have nothing against Christians, Muslims (or is it Moslems?), Jews, Buddhist, shamanistic peoples, or deists, but when they get in my way, I get irritated.
One item of note is the recent regression to medieval ways of thought thanks to the fundies in certain school districts and boards. Evolution is both fact and theory; Creationism is neither. Simply put, evolution is change over time. That is a fact. Take a cage of shorthaired and longhaired rabbits up a mountain and see which group survives better. In a few generations of less, there will be lots more longhairs than shorthairs. "Theory" is not a word to be thrown around; besides, invalid theories are usually abandoned when there is sufficient evidence against them. It's sad to see the Big Bang or Darwinian evolution fall under the resurgence of fundamentalism. School should challenge people, expand their thinking, teach them. Instead, it comes second to whatever faith these children have been infected with. Any belief that cannot survive doubt is not worth having.
Another thing, I notice, is turmoil in the Middle East. I'm not sure if it bothers me as much, but it is regrettable. People are dying every day because of something so silly and irrational as religion. These conflicts go back so far and are so entrenched in peoples' minds that peace seems hopeless. Perhaps it is.
The Age of Vampires
I suppose it all started with the movie Blade. Wesley Snipes makes an awesome half-vampire vampire slayer and Stephen Dorff was superb as a vampire. "John Carpenter's Vampires" also added to my cinematic appreciation of vampirism. I do not believe in vampires as portrayed in either of these movies, nor am I an aficionado on vampiric folklore, I just like the air of darkness and secrecy that goes along with them. For some years I have been toying with the idea of a vampire-based computer game or story. So far, I have only the most basic beginning of either.
One problem with writing a story is getting the beginning written. This task would be all the easier if I only had the plot or even character names decided upon. The names are a great sticking point for me because I want to start the story off right with some cool characters. One might argue that names are some of the least important parts of a story for "that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet," but I think that a character's name defines who he is, or at least, how people expect him to be. D, Frost, Blade. All these names suggest something, be it "Dracula", the all-conquering cold, or the sharp, elegant blade of a sword. Sadly, these names are taken, and my inner-critic can come up with no others that have the same meaning or connotation behind them. Perhaps it is because these names have been used, because Blade was in a movie, because we've come to attach significance to these names, that I can find no original ones with such meaning. Once, out of desperation, I picked "Slayer" for my main character's name. I know that it's rather cheesy, but it works, and I still have yet to decide on a better one.
I'm also not too sure about that plot. I certainly don't have any messages to give through my story; I just want a dark, engaging, and all-enveloping world created. By basic premise is this: After about seven or ten thousand years, a great war is about to start, or come to an end. The fate of the world may hinge on the Prophecy of the Three; an ancient myth telling that three warriors will decide the Great War. Essentially, you have a human kingdom, or continent, a vampire area and scattered vampiric packs or clans, and an even more dispersed group of half-vampires. I think one needs some evil vampires, but I would want to have a town or settlement of somewhat peaceful vampires, possibly a trading outpost or mountain castle. The half-vampire called Slayer wanders the countryside, slaying vampires and doing other odd jobs. Stoic, terse, almost cold even, Slayer cares not for the War or the fate of either side, but he nonetheless gets drawn in to the battle and may even decide the fate of humanity. I think this is basically the plot of all vampire movies and books, but it is a good one.
Take head and bear witness to the truths that lie herein, for this is the Prophecy of the Three… Ten thousand years ago, a War raged on that threatened to destroy to world. At its peak, three gods came together to stop the conflict and allow the Earth, and its creatures to recover from the Great Conflict between the races. The gods, whose names few mortals know, each represented one of the warring races: Vampires, Humans, and the Dhampir or half-vampires. Expending much of their collective energy, they divided the continent with mountains and oceans, separating the races for thousands of years. Together, they forged a weapon that would end the Conflict, if it ever arose again. With its white scabbard, black pommel, and crimson blade, they infused great magic and spent that last of their powers. Receding deep into the mountains, they hid the blade, waiting for someone worthy of its power, someone who would wake them.
That paragraph is about what I'd like the story to feel like, dark, powerful, with a deep urgency or importance. Overall, I'd like to make it a very engaging and enveloping read. I enjoy science fiction, fantasy, or any other book with an interesting plot, characters, and a good flow of action. I wonder if authors like their own work. I suppose they must, or why else would they write? Perhaps they are not satisfied with their work, and forever are driven, creating even greater works. Either way, if they're good, I hope I get my hands on them.
Another medium that I've considered is computer games. Despite the vast majority of its players, Diablo and Diablo II are two of the greatest games I have ever played. The scenery is dark, the story complex and dark as well. When you play, the world is enveloping and you can almost believe that you are there, fighting the Lord of Terror's dark minions. Before graphics, high-speed connections, and gigahertz, Dungeons & Dragons and their comparatively high-tech counterparts, MUDs, reigned. MUD stands for Multi-User Domain/Dungeon since most have a medieval theme. These online, text-based role-playing experiences have the potential to be as real and enveloping as one could imagine, or as cheap as many gamers have made them. Plagues by anachronisms, inaccuracies, absurdities and out-of-character comments, these games become little more than online chat rooms and dueling areas. I think that I and other capable coders, builders, and imms (immortals, the administration of the game) could create a realist world full of beautiful room descriptions, interactions, and an appropriate level of realism/believability. Part of the beauty of a MUD is the fact that they are living worlds, molded by the actions and interactions of the players and imms. Even as the creator, I would find new experiences and new ideas in the game. I think that is the true beauty of the medium.
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